Pregnancy Week 13, Day 5: Returning from Crazy Pregnant Lady Land (I Hope!)

Crazy Pregnant Lady Whirlwind

You can tell it's bad when I don't post for three weeks. I'm trapped under something if I can't write - well as you can see I'm now breathing and alive and well. Nothing physically treacherous happened - just a hormone tsunami that knocked my ass underwater and caught me in the riptide. I see where the "crazy pregnant lady" thing comes from.

I felt it coming - especially for the last month leading up to it. But it was hard to tell what was what: what percent are genuine issues bubbling up to be released and/or addressed, what percent are projections made by my quite sensitive ego defense mechanisms (who are hyperactive at the moment) and to what percent the emotions are just exaggerated hormones.

Flying Blind

Talk about not being able to see straight. Flying blind (as my friend Robyn calls it) is no fun - especially for an extended period of time. Heavy depression, anger.

Who knew my inner bitch was that strong. Even though I knew what was going on and kept telling him I knew this shit was mine, I still was shooting almost all of it at my boyfriend (is this a real pregnancy phenomenon? For the woman to get really angry at the partner for no apparent reason?)

I'm Gonna Be Who?

It felt like the walls were caving in on me from all angles. All of a sudden I was going to be someone's mom, and practically someone's wife. With no mental prep time, or even a verbal agreement (natural processes for a surprise baby.

I do now see the beauty in the solid, long-term relationship as the foundation. Though I still am happy she/he's coming!)

It wouldn't be normal if I didn't feel any fear at all - at the very least fear of how the new lifestyle will look (will I be able to integrate what I've learned and create a lifestyle that works for a child/family?

Of course, logically I know that yes, I can... fear doesn't have to be rational.) This is the first "normal, committed relationship" I've ever been in. Six months in and all of a sudden I hit the panic button - mother AND wife? My head is spinning.

No Outlet

I had also pulled my "fun" release outlets out from under myself. For good reason, but having the choice to go unwind with a beer and a cigarette is something I'd always been accustomed to having. With that lifestyle gone for awhile, a lot of my social scene goes with it.

Not that there aren't fun things to do that don't involve alcohol, but just another lifestyle adjustment I needed to make.

All I knew is that I needed space to breathe. I didn't want to make any sudden moves, as my impulsiveness is a double-edged sword) but at the same time, I was gasping for air. All the fears were bubbling up in one giganto blast. I still hadn't spoken to anyone about my fears (DUMB move.)

No energetic outlet. No talking outlet. My fear often manifests in "overwhelm", which fosters procrastination and a downward spiral. Food habits start to go, exhaustion, and other than getting to work, watching TV is all that I could muster. I was a week behind on emails and two weeks on Facebook (business related - that's bad!) Something had to give.

Out of Balance = Purge

How quickly I forget what my body does if I don't keep it in balance. If I need to purge (and I'm not in Peru, or releasing it through talking or "fun" outlets) and it builds to a certain level - my body has its ways. Oldschool. The migraine. It had been so long I almost forgot about this highly uncomfortable form of purging.

It happened at a wedding. Luckily my friend was the best man and loaned me his hotel room to vomit-purge and recover in. And yes, those energies flew right the hell out of my mouth, just like in ceremony. I felt a lot better.

Communication is Vital

I began talking about the fears. Letting them out. You know, taking care of myself. Seems so easy from here now, but felt so impossible at the time. I ended up moving into to my mom's basement apartment (I needed my mommy more now than I could remember), and she helped me pull out from under the clutter.

Caught up on the emails, had appropriate conversations, brought the eating habits back to normal, even started running and yoga again. And this weekend I spent mostly working on fun Infinite Light related video projects - things that had been sitting in my queue for months) but I'd been putting off (those are the "big dream" projects which fear loves to move to the bottom of the list on a regular day, much less prego - but I'm almost done with two!)

The Training

I get it - the training. The strengthening. My people-pleaser is gone, possibly for good (didn't really need her anyway.) I'm not judging myself like I was before (also good). I've been stretched out to a new level, and come back to life - humbled my ego enough to ask for help. And I got it.

Escaping out from under that pile of fear was tough - but the strength the butterfly develops in breaking out of the cocoon is the same strength needed to fly.

Next level purging prep - initiation on a whole different plane. And Baby's just giving me a deadline on some of these Big Dream projects I'd been putting off for months, even years for some.

Look how much she's taught me, and she's only three months old:)

Riding the tide! Is it May yet?