Ayahuasca Ceremony #190: Breaking Through Insecurity

Not Done with the Emotional Purge

Wow. Wow wow wow. Okay let me start at the beginning of this week, and try not to jump ahead! This is longer, but more stuff happened, so what can I do? :) I'm doing what I previously thought impossible since it was so deeply rooted - breaking through insecurity.

So after the ceremony where my heart broke open, I could feel that the energetic matter underneath the old shell was still fragile and soft. I figured it would take my body a little bit to get used to not having the hard layer on it. What I didn't expect was the intensity that I experienced during the break in Iquitos.

Sometimes people get more healing and work done during the breaks than they do the actual ceremonies (physical bodies are slow compared to spirit and energy - need time to process, apply, and 'click' into the new place without the old energies.)

I literally felt like I was bipolar the whole time (not to downplay the severity of the actual disease; but I was swinging between the poles). Being by myself a lot of the time exacerbated it (which was also Divine).

Basically I felt like I was at intense fight or flight like 50% of the time (which is a LOT when you think about it). I couldn't believe there were thoughts of running back to the US (thank God it's February and less appealing with the blizzards in Virginia, though I don't think I would have actually done it). But the thoughts were in my field.

Crying, nagging and clinging on Luco, raging...sounding familiar. I was a hot mess...again. All I felt was insecure, inadequate, not worthy, not good enough in general. The difference this time, was that I had a sneaking suspicion I wasn't actually purging excess emotions like I was in preparing for the heart purge.

I couldn't help how I felt, but something in my gut made me feel like I was missing something. Though there was nothing I could do about it except wait - you can't see what you can't see until you see it.

Getting back to the village eased the rollercoaster a little bit - being around more people and more love helped some. All I knew is that I was getting seriously tired of feeling like an emotional headcase all the time...energetically and physically. I was driving myself nuts. First ceremony I figured would knock it out.

Apparently My Shamanic Abilities Suck

So the ceremony is nice, but I'm not clear what the deal is. One of the new apprentices was really beginning to get deep into his purging, and I went over to give him a ventiada (where we focus the spirit communication songs, Icaros, into their field and help move the dark energies out faster to give some physical relief).

I was about two minutes into it when I felt it simply not working. Since I had waited so long to begin learning ventiadas in the first place, I had never had one not work (I started learning them about a year ago). I stopped, walked back to my chair, and told Luco, who waited awhile and kept an eye on the guy, until it was time to give him a functioning one.

I also had been noticing the past few ceremonies some more "outside training". The whole first two years was almost solely dedicated to purging, learning, and restructuring in my body (belief systems, a lot of ego training, toxic dark stuff release, etc.)

Though every level of that was like sweet relief in the physical world (people constantly said things like...what have you been doing? Because it is so apparent and clear as those things leave) but in the Spirit World I hadn't even begun that training really (more like the training while purging was like the prerequisite stage...learning how to deal with dark energies coming out of my own body, then I would move onto outside energies for the real shamanic training. If I ever want to be able to run ceremony I will have to obviously deal with that).

There was protection placed on me during the purge phase, but seems they bit by bit, are opening it up as I am ready to train and handle it. I had noticed little tiny things coming at me from the outside for the first time since I started.

I had sometimes seen other people's energy get on (not in) me when I did ventiada healings, but this was a different deal, being the person assisting the Medicine in releasing them (those energies don't like that!)

I had the sense that my training was about to take a huge turn. Luco also explained to me how each person's protection worked, and what their plant/animal/spirit defenses do, etc. Apparently it was my time to practice.

Next day, Luco and I had a big conversation about the ventiada that didn't work. I asked if the guy had a block on me or if I simply wasn't strong enough yet. Luco replied, "don't feel bad, but you're not strong enough for that type of energy yet. He is purging stuff most of you have never seen" (being from another country with a tough consciousness to infiltrate).

"It's like the Medicine cooking," he points over to the pot of boiling plants, "it's ready when it's ready. We can't drink it until it is." This triggered my self-esteem and I sunk a bit lower, since it was already weakened from the purge this week.

"I feel embarrassed for trying to do all this stuff I wasn't ready to do," I pouted. "That's your ego talking," he replied, and continued to prep me more for the ceremony that night. "You're doing great. This is a normal part of the process."

Breaking Through Insecurity

Second ceremony - not much is happening. I was still a little pouty, so the thought didn't even cross my mind to sing Icaros. Not much was going on that I was able to see since I wasn't mareada (the state of experiencing the Medicine and seeing 'behind the scenes' of the physical to the spiritual world - can mean visions, audio, energy work, wisdom downloads, purging, etc).

I sat through the whole ceremony disconnected. Not even feeling the disconnect. Almost numb, but the word numb has more substance than what I was experiencing. Later the night got wild for many people, and I didn't feel it. I could physically see it going on, but didn't feel like a part of it. Luco even had to chill the Icaros out earlier than normal to allow the space to wind down a bit (so that it's not too hard on the physical body).

I was spinning around in my own head, my own insecurity, completed sapped of my energy. I was so exasperated on such a deep, spent level, that I saw myself dancing closer to the 'giving up' arena than I had ever been (that thought had never even crossed my mind.)

Could I really do this? Apprenticeship? Did I really have it in me? I was near a danger zone of falling into the abyss of caving to the insecurity and the exhaustion of feeling it.

Long after the rhythm of the ceremony had settled down to smooth ocean waves, I all of a sudden wanted to hear my own Icaros. "Why? They don't even work" my pouty voice said in my head. I dominated it with my true spirit's voice and knew it was an okay time energetically to contribute. So I began.

As I sing these sacred communication songs, I feel the light energies of the Medicine stirring up from within and coming off of my body, as they do. The Medicine inside of me from the two years of drinking gets stimulated by the physical Medicine drank, plus the Icaros.

It's All Ego

I feel my vibration level rising as a smile comes across my face. That's when it hit me. Right in the head, like a bag of sand swung across the room onto my forehead... "It's all ego."

Suddenly it was like a ball of string unrolling. The thing I couldn't see. Ego. Of course. The high fructose corn syrup of the mind (snuck into everything!)

Ego. Ego causes arrogance in the body no? Making you feel 'better than'. Well, duh, what would be the other end of the ego spectrum? MAKING YOU FEEL NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I always thought there was a heart wound, a slit allowing bits of energetic blood seep out in deep sadness, causing the insecurity that whether I managed well or not at a given moment, was always under there. WRONG! It was JUST EGO!

Immediately, upon recognition of this information, all of the lethargic, spent, sluggish, sad energy simply disappeared. Once I knew it was ego I was dealing with and not some hidden heart wound that I couldn't find, I was thrilled.

Ego I can deal with. It's tricky and full of blind spots, but it's much easier than some obscure slit that always seemed to elude me (since it wasn't real in the first place).

Basically ever since the real heart purge completed (and it broke open) everything I had been feeling was simply the ego, experienced through the heart. It was all a trick of the mind, once again.

I had to laugh, especially when I realized that Luco had even said that to me earlier in the day, though it bounced off my ego wall like a pebble. Can't see what you can't see until you see it, even when other people are trying to show you. Sneaky little fucker...

Next day I felt like a million bucks. I couldn't believe that this one nugget of wisdom (which seems so obvious now - I'm sure this is not new information for many of you reading this) could make something that felt so deep and real, just disappear upon recognition. Well, I needed the strength, because my training was far from over for the week.

Dark Energies Dominating

I had learned in the previous week about how dark energies can dominate. When I have had to take women to the shower because their purges are that dark and can feel overwhelming for the body (the water helps rinse the energies off rapidly), I have started to figure out how it seems to work (again, I'm in elementary school here, so don't assume I have all the info yet - I'm sure I don't).

I can go to the shower, get her in the water, then follow up with a ventiada. I could begin not even feeling mareada at all, and by the time I'm finished with the ventiada, the dark energy purging out of her has gotten all over me (not in, but on), feeling physically (with vision) the full effects of the darkness being purged. This is my barometer to see how strong my body is physically and energetically.

With more time, more Medicine, more shamanic diets, and less ego, the body increases its strength and brightness level. When they do dominate, how it feels physically (for me anyway) is lightheadedness, feverish heat, nausea, and extreme fatigue.

So where I am at the moment, is I am able to manage, but not dominate these energies. I feel the physical effects of them, and can combat back by using water and tobacco smoke on the body, and Icaros.

I can get the person to a manageable level, where they can get back to the ceremony circle, then I have to clean house like crazy. (To give a comparison, this stuff doesn't effect Luco physically anymore. This is real energetic/physical progress, and you can't pretend to be where you're not. You see what level you're at when you're in training, and you get dominated or you don't. No playing up the ego to yourself in this world.)

It's Worse When it's Friends

Meanwhile, as the Divine works, the timing of this new phase couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Remember, they need to often pull out physical world triggers to provoke the training for real (imagination doesn't feel as real as reality).

So I find out that a friend of mine who had come out here in the summer (from the spiritual school I went to) had basically been slandering and trash talking Luco and I since she got back.

This wasn't really new information, as I could sense it happening between her distance and distance of mutual friends, but to get the official word of exactly what she had been saying (it was worse than I thought) definitely was a punch in the ego and the heart.

I felt betrayed, worried people from the school would actually believe her, angry at the whole situation, angry at myself for letting her come, angry at the ex-worker that had caused even more problems for us.

It all didn't seem fair, and I was definitely not able to dominate my own ego - I was pissed, and sent her a mildly pissy email (Ego 101: Never Email at the Kneejerk! lol)

So I go into ceremony and come out with a whole shit-ton of training and learning. Basically the dark energies that she had come to the Medicine in the first place to get rid of, who had one in her personal struggle to allow them out, attacked me. Be very clear - this is not my friend's spirit, and I'm sure she had no knowledge of this consciously.

The entities themselves (they know me, she purged a little of them out here in a shower-level purge) and they do not like me. It actually made me less angry at my friend, and more compassionate knowing what kind of energies she has been having to deal with.

This was HUGELY important training for me, and to know what someone else's energies really can feel like (oh and they COMPLETELY dominated me...but, it was good learning).

The entities first off dominate by sapping your active energy as much as they can, so all you want to do is fall asleep. I couldn't even THINK to pull out any light tools or call in anything, or sing Icaros.

Then, they began provoking my own shit that would make me weaker (ego, anger, resentment) so where those were in myself, would be to what depth I would spin out in my own head. Tricky fuckers.

Eventually Luco had to give me a ventiada, because those things were just way bigger than me. And I realized...this is the new level of my shamanic training.

These things are all happening behind the scenes of life. People's dark shit attacks other people. People's egos battle. I'd rather see what's going on than turn a blind eye and stumble through without any knowledge.

This attack marked my graduation from elementary school to secondary school...of course now I'm small and little again in this big, bad, beautiful world:)

Gearing Up for the Next Level of Training

So we head into Sanango Diet this week - I won't be able to check email until the weekend since we'll be camping in the jungle. I am SO excited for Sanango...it's only my second time dieting the root and it is meant to strengthen the physical body by pushing out cold, trapped energies (sometimes painfully). But of course the stronger the body is physically and energetically, the higher/deeper levels it can handle spiritually.

I can't believe how fast the apprenticeship is rolling right now. All that work in purging and staying patient, not jumping ahead to want to 'become a shaman' too early - man, it is so paying off!

Much love everyone - though I'm obviously not saying names for respect and confidentiality reasons, if anyone wants to send love, light and healing to my friend (the Light will know who you're talking about) and to me as well (I'm not holier than thou here - ego's still crouched on the defense and I'm still a little resentful with anger) it would be appreciated! Thanks ya'll:)

*NOTES FROM THE FUTURE (2016)

As I mentioned in another post, whether or not we're dealing with actual outside entities or just our own anger, fear, etc is questionable. In looking back at this, my gut tells me that it was my own shit, so dark and triggered, that it seemed like an outside entity (and our own fear, anger, etc does the same thing, sappy energy, etc.) Hard to tell, but it's out now either way.