Gold Ain’t So Pure

Giving Process Work a Try

Welcome to the first time I processed myself. For a little background, Maven and I were FaceTiming one night and talking about her co-dependent structure she’d been working on. As the night went on, she asked me to try and process her (like she’d done for me already) since I'm interested in learning. 

I was immediately terrified. How am I supposed to be as good as you on this. Ahhhhh!

When she asked me if I could get any more feeds from my higher self, I couldn’t get anything new (granted we’d talked about this for a few weeks by now, so sometimes what’s there is already there.) A wave of sadness washed over me. I had failed her. 

What Happens if I "Fail?"

When I told her I couldn’t get anything new, she asked if I was ok. To which I tried to play off as being fine. She said she had felt a wave of sadness come off my body. 

Crap, so now I’m interrupting her process and can’t get any information to magically heal all the things. 

I said I didn’t want to take away from her process, so we could talk about it later. Naturally, that didn’t work. So, I explained that I felt bad for not getting anything and now making it about me. To which she met with love and understanding. 

Releasing Expectations

We talked it out bit. She didn’t expect me to be this perfect person and magically doing all the things “right”. There were literally no expectations at all (foreign concept to me). So, we chatted for a while more and called it a night. 

Next day, we talked on the phone again (constant theme of our days). My assignment had gotten cancelled or ended early, so I was home in the middle of the day. We talked about processing where the sadness and guilt had come from once she was done with work. 

Could I Do it Myself?

After getting off the phone, my Higher Self was like, “why not try to do it now?”

“Because Maven isn’t here to guide me.”

“I mean, you could at least try and see where it goes. You’ll be talking in like an hour anyway.”

“Alright, alright.”

I asked my defense to move and asked if there was an inner child hiding in there. Then I felt like I couldn’t really feel anything. My head was buzzing and I assumed it was my defenses not moving. 

“Omg can you please move out the way so I can actually try this?!”

Higher Self, “Think again.”

Meet the Perfectionist/"Golden Child"

Then I realized that’s where the structure holding the kid lay in rest - my head. 

Duh. Lol

So, I talked to him.

People’s/society’s expectations - what I perceived them to be - and how I navigated them all rested in my head. Meticulously calculating what I need to do in order for them to accept me and...love me. (Being loved is a constant theme for inner children just fyi.)

If I do all the things right, then I’ll receive the love I long for. 

Naturally, ties into familial matters and also all of my Christian background. Hell, even the gay and Deaf community. Here I am trying spirituality out so I must do everything right or I am deemed useless and unlovable (core beliefs that we will get to in later blogs). 

The perfectionist. The golden child. 

Whenever I did anything right from my formidable years and on, I was met with praise. For example, when I attempted to fall in suit with trying not to be gay and recognize it as “the sin  I must bear” (while the straight kids just had to worry about not jacking off - yeah it’s a big lust no-no), everyone regarded me as a true Christian. Then the second I started playing with the idea I could be gay and Christian they questioned my salvation. Lots of stories there. 

Reframing and Loving Him Up

I asked this little golden boy (GB), desperately clinging on to his perfection how it was working out. We got to it not working out so well. I reminded him of what Maven had said the night before,

“I don’t expect you to be perfect at this. I don’t even expect you to have gotten anymore information. You could be the worst spiritual person ever and I’d still love you and want you here.”

Me: “So can you trust that you don’t have to be perfect all the time and people will still love you?”

GB: “Yes.”

So, I held him and asked him to let in all my love and everyone else’s through any imperfections we have. There were a few physical tears and I moved him to the heart space (exactly like in the previous blog).

Post-Purge Clarity

Of course, Maven’s job ended early and she happened to call me right after I finished this process. The significant amount of clarity and the weight of not having to live in this jail cell of perfection was beaming off of me. 

Years and years of this perfectionist mindset in relation to people uprooted in 20 minutes. I wasn’t walking around actively thinking “I must be perfect to receive love!” Yet, it still was very pronounced and influencing my actions and how I related to people. 

Sometimes this work really is a mindfuck. Wink (cuz of where the structure was.)