The Call to Help vs the Human Ego

The Human Ego

Working with the human ego has been one of the most challenging aspects of my apprenticeship. Some people seem to be so naturally in a harmonic relationship with it. For me, it hasn't been so easy.

Let me clarify what I say when I speak of Ego (this is my understanding of it, though it is clearly open to interpretation.) On the surface level, I see it as a giant defense mechanism protecting us from having to feel our own shit, manifesting in some version of 'better than', 'worse than', or 'avoiding the game'.

On a deeper level, I see it as the human construct of the mind that allows us to see ourselves as separate beings; from one another, from Nature, and from God/Universe. In ceremony once, I had a vision of all humans as one big ball, slowly separating out so we can "see ourself".

I believe this is a necessary component to the human experience...for if we cannot see ourselves as separate, we never get to experience the "re-connect" (not that we were actually disconnected to begin with.) The concept of experience being one of the main purposes for having a body in the first place.

To recognize something, we would need to experience something different than it to even see it (asthmatics appreciate air on another level than non-asthmatics.) The deeper the depression, the potential for higher happiness levels. Can't recognize light until you've been in the dark.

Arrogance as an Ego Aspect

I see arrogance as one manifestation of the ego (which gets into judgment, control, micromanagement, etc.) It's tricky, because as humans, we can only see through our own perspectives. So as far as spirituality/life is concerned, how do we ever know anything?

Yet, I feel like there are some things that are so clear, that they are just true... at least in my world as applied to me. But even those things evolve and add more context with time.

We have to decipher in order to survive. This color is yellow. This one is red. It becomes a judgment when someone decides that yellow is better than red. Or yellow means that you are a wimp. Or whatever additional meaning the individual, family, or society has decided upon.

Stealing is always bad, right? If a homeless man steals for food, judgments galore come up with that. "He should have been able to get his shit together. He should have gotten off the bottle. Even if he's homeless, he should go to a soup kitchen instead of stealing."

If a teenage girl is getting beaten by her father, and she chooses the streets and has to steal, well that's okay. But if she continues on through adulthood, it's not. But really, how the hell do I know?

Behind the Scenes

The point is, as humans, it's pretty damn hard not to add some kind of value, positive or negative, to things. There are some schools of thought that say there is no inherent "good, bad, right, or wrong". I'm inclined to believe this, but there do seem to be extreme circumstances that are tough to negotiate that belief with.

At the same time, being only a human looking from the outside, I can't see behind the scenes of anyone else's reason for being on earth. If an 8-year-old child dies of a terminal illness, I think most of us would agree that it's sad. Sad is an emotion related to feeling loss. But to feel that it is wrong? Feelings are always valid. How do we know that the spirit of that kid didn't choose that life accordingly, in order to further cancer research?

Hence the human ego comes in to decide for us, when we don't have all the information to make an informed decision. Either way, the loss can still be sad, even if there's a bigger picture behind it.

Ego Blind Spots

The toughest part about it for me is the blinders. On a spiritual development track through Ayahuasca, we do a lot of work with purging negative energies out of the body. People purge excess build-ups of emotions, but since emotion seems to also be a built in mechanism in order to experience various form of love (including the loss of it) etc, it doesn't seem possible to completely purge an emotion out to the point you will never experience it again.

Same with ego. I see it as a functioning part of the body (I feel it in my brain) and I have definitely been purging a lot of the ballooned up emotions fueled by it (arrogance, anger, etc) but the only way I see to make it more to your liking is to restructure it.

Simply by understanding more and more...that all of us really are various manifestations of the same spirit, and no one's role, experience, perspective, etc is better than another. We are all special.

Ego vs Higher Self/True Spirit

Now, I say that. I believe that. Yet I have not been able to yet be that. I haven't gotten my ego to buy into all the way yet, even though my soul and even conscious mind knows. I say it sometimes to be diplomatic, because it's what I should say. I say it other times to try to dominate the ego's belief that I can see whatever thing more clearly than that person can.

I take a deep breath and try not to defend when someone responds to the topic of ego from (what I think) is their own, patting me on the head because little Maven finally caught up to their level (again, my ego's thought.)

Then I get even more stuck when people ask me for support. Since a child, I've always loved the "group therapist" role. I spent a lot of time building up my own ego as a defense mechanism for my insecurities. I was a psychology major in college, and quickly fell into a similar role supporting people in the Medicine, simply given the fact that I am the apprentice with the most experience.

Something inside of me, a soul-level desire, is satisfied by doing this kind of work. It is clearly part of my life purpose to do something that will support others in finding themselves and their own spirituality. Yet, sometimes I feel the dichotomy between my life purpose and my ego.

I can share my experiences and my take on something someone is going through, but again, it's only going to be from my perspective. If they don't feel it in their bodies, then it bounces off and isn't for them at the moment. No big deal.

Ego vs. Intuition

But what happens when people read or sense things? There are times when someone really isn't being honest with maybe even themselves, and it seems very clear to the outside person (assume this is a somehow known fact in this scenario.) I'm sure most of us have experience both sides of that.

These energies come across very clearly to me these days. I get taught by the spirits in the Medicine, in dreams, and with wisdom on the tip of my understanding in flashes of clarity. These are some of the ways any of us learn from within. So if nothing is ever "for sure, 100% true" what's all that? Feels true to me.

At this point, I can usually decipher (at least afterward) when I was responding out of ego or out my true spirit self. We all know spiritual self-help gurus who know everything and have every answer, and I do not want to end up playing that dangerous game.

Yet we also know truly wise people, who encourage us to find out for ourselves, while giving guidance and feedback when we ask. Maybe we put them on pedestals, and that's our problem. I figure if I'm not there yet, then I must not be ready to teach.

Sharing vs. Teaching

So maybe "teaching" is the wrong word. Being, offering guidance and feedback from those who ask (knowing it's only my perspective) and continuing to learn will keep me out of that scary category. And being okay with people have completely different views on the world, because that could be true for them in theirs.

Not caring so much if someone gets me, understands me, or believes me. That's not really up to me, only my reaction is. I just have to be. (This is why I love blogging...the self process is awesome. Though I have to thank my friend Gordon for bringing some things to my attention to get this latest ego-level ball rolling).

Universal Truth

Again, let me be clear. I'm not saying any of this is The Truth (deep booming voice version). I am mulling this over like anyone else. This is how I, in my human perspective-eyes, see it so far. And of course it continues to evolve, especially the more I seek the feedback from others mulling over the same thing. But can anyone ever really know for sure?

Can we say with 100% that yes, this (or another big question) is definitely the answer? This is where I get stuck. There are some things I believe to the CORE of my being, and no one can tell me otherwise. Yet I also believe what I do about the human ego, and perspective, so I have to leave the door open at least a crack, in case, heaven forbid, I do not have all the answers to the questions everyone has been asking since the dawn of time.

Is it also possible, that the Universe is so vast, that to even try to understand something like that through a human mind is almost laughable? Probably, yet the seeking is part of the experience. So we ask, and we mull. Could it be that something absolutely could be true in my world, because I chose it, and something seemingly opposite be true in someone else's?

Is there a Universal Truth, or is the Universal Truth that there is no truth at all, just a realm of possible manifestations of life? Who the hell knows, I am just getting tired of feeling the need to defend myself for someone else having a "conflicting" opinion. I'll keep focused inward for now, for that seems to be where the big answers lie anyway.

Much love ya'll! Thanks for sharing in my ego process:)

Where is it Born From

***WAIT! There's more...:)

This is hilarious. So finishing this post less than two hours ago, the Universe came right through in a conversation (that wasn't even about this topic) with some more clarity (that isn't new news, but apparently I'd forgotten.) Here's what I got (again, through my human filters, but do what you want with it...)

The difference is in being VERY clear where you are speaking from. When speaking from ego, the information is most likely a mix of your own experience, perspective, and what you have learned so far. That may be fine and appropriate, but it is coming from your own head (so there's a risk you can't see as much as the Divine can, obviously.)

When speaking from the true spirit self, the channel opens and taps into the Divine Wisdom (we call it "the Genius Zone" at Infinite Light...the pool of wisdom that Einstein and those guys must have had a huge channel into).

The wisdom that is appropriate for that person at that time (meaning it doesn't have to be a "Universal Truth") comes through. The ego puts filters on this channel and muddles it. The spirit self, wanting to love and support in whatever way is in the best interest of that person (whether we as people agree with it or not) becomes the channel.

Have you ever gotten in that space and had something pop out of your mouth, being the first time you've ever heard it?

For me, it seems like most of what comes through when I'm in that space includes helping the person themselves clarify confusion, and getting to the deeper level of what's really going on. It's not about telling them what to do, it's about assisting in clearing confusion so they, themselves can see it. Then they make whatever choice they want.

Again, the mind cracks me up sometimes. This is not something I had not learned before, but for me, it seems with each deeper level of restructuring the ego, there are deeper levels of the same lesson. And the blinders simply make me forget sometimes. I love the Universe:)